Counting down to the new year!

I am gonna make myself a big glass of milkshake, read about the key performance indicators I should set for next term at work and then lie down in bed and think what I will wear tomorrow. I am working and then going out with a good old friend, who's moving out of the country and getting married. There is also a huge celebration party coming up in two days' time and my heart feels like singing from excitement.

I can barely think of anything negative happened in the previous year, except for my lovely grandma's sad departure, which has left me with a big hole. The year initially looked like it sucked despite my astrological predictions saying it would be a wonderful year. I was really wondering there was no way around this misery. There was simply nothing good happening. And yet halfway through, it proved to be an amazing set of terms.

I guess it has to do with a couple of good choices I did comparing to only a few crappy ones, so the proportion of nice/shit outcome was of positive value. In a short 6-month time, I moved countries, I found a job, I got a new flat, I got a driving licence, I fell in love, I got broken-hearted, I got another diploma from university, I ran a marathon, I got injured, I spent time with my beloved family. I gave every little piece of me to all the things that make me happy and this is why I feel so full by the end of this year! No wonder why I also feel exhausted and worn out and spent the past three days sleeping and resting ;)

There's more to come, more to dream of, more to plan and fail and succeed into. The ultimate is to stay true to your needs and feelings, consistent with your values and in agreement with yourself.

Goodbye 2011! Happy New Year!!!

Photo of spring flowers in Ioannina, Greece

Madrid melancholy

Photo courtesy of Katbili (strolling across Madrid, Spain)

My favourite books list for 2011

Everyone involved in writing, blogging, or publishing, as this time of the year commands,  list  top things/songs/movies they loved or hated. I have thus compiled my own list of books that I read during 2011 and would highly recommend. I am not a book expert by any means, but I have read a hell load of books of a broad range and am interested in reading more and exploring more. So here it goes:

1. "Never let me go" by Kazuo Ishiguro. A twisted yet brilliant story of cloned kids intended to be used as transplant donors who grow up as teenagers and challenge their own emotional capacity when confronted with the brutal reality

2. "Birdsong" by Sebastian Faulks on the brutality and love co-existing in the lives of soldiers during the First World War and how their story remains to be traced back by latest generations seeking their roots

3. "Room" by Emma Donoghue on a woman and her newborn baby growing up under captivity in a room and the challenges they face in the perspective of the outside world

4. "Solar" by Ian McEwan, simply a brilliant and intelligent writing on the complicated life of an old physicist trying to save the world by solar power but ruining his own life

5. "A week in December" by Sebastian Faulks, looking through the keyhole in the lives of otherwise common everyday Londoners

Dear ex

Dear ex

you have chosen to be forgotten and ignored. Come to think of it, we didn't even have a proper relationship, so I think it was all in my mind. I must have made this story up just because I wanted to feel something, even if that was excitement, emptiness, or pain. 

It was all a foolish game we both played for our own reasons at the time. 

I am not going to delete you, block you or unfollow you, so that you can see how happy I am without you and how I have moved on with my life. You can go and live your empty, meaningless life. I have an exciting year coming ahead and looking forward to making the most of it. I burn your memories and throw the ashes down the drain. Goodbye ;)

Photo a pack of gums on my desk

Broccoli and pasta

There's not a single day that  I haven't thought of you. Why is it always me to do all the thinking and not the guy in question? Christmas is approaching and I have zero plans. So many presents to buy, so little money. I have spent most of this month's salary already. I bet you will spend the holidays with her. I should have a car for myself by New Year's. Maybe it is time to go on a little trip, snow and skiing would be good. I should get this tattoo I have been thinking of. At least I have paid all of my bills. Shall I have a haircut? Since I remember myself I have this same hairstyle. Maybe it is time for a change. There are some writing classes I could attend, or shall I go to the gym instead? You've never been to the gym you told me once! I am looking forward to finishing the book I have been reading. It is called Birdsong. Nothing romantic, it talks about the first World War actually. I read one chapter per day on my way to work. On the train. Do you ever think that every morning we take the same train line in the opposite directions? Sometimes I try to guess at which point our trains meet for a second and then go on to their separate ways. Time passes so quickly, I thought  it was still summer until I saw the Christmas decorations at the shops. What was the probability you had given us to have been together until Christmas? You were right after all. I am so organised lately I am even amazed by myself. I cooked broccoli to have for dinner tomorrow. Broccoli goes well with melted cheese I think, but then I might make some pasta to go with it as well. I love pasta.


Photo hiking a mountain in Peloponnese, Greece

An interesting read on psychoanalysis: Borderline personality disorder

The term ‘borderline personality organisation’ was introduced by Otto Kernberg (1975) to refer to a consistent pattern of functioning and behaviour characterised by instability and reflecting a disturbed psychological self-organisation. The cluster of symptoms and behaviour associated with borderline personality include striking fluctuations from periods of confidence to times of absolute despair, markedly unstable self-image, rapid changes in mood, with fears of abandonment and rejection, and a strong tendency towards suicidal thinking and self-harm.


Borderline personality disorder is associated with significant impairment, especially in relation to the capacity to sustain stable relationships as a result of personal and emotional instability. For many the severity of symptoms and behaviours correlates with the severity of personal, social and occupational impairments, although this is not always the case. Some people with marked borderline personality disorder may be able to function at very high levels in their careers (Stone, 1993). Many people with borderline personality disorder recurrently harm themselves, usually to provide relief from intolerable distress, which for many can lead to significant physical impairment and disability. 

The main differences between the core symptoms of borderline personality disorder and other conditions are that the symptoms of borderline personality disorder undergo greater fluctuation and variability: psychotic and paranoid symptoms are transient, depressive symptoms change dramatically over a short period, suicidal ideas may be intense and unbearable but only for a short time, doubts about identity may occur but are short-lived, and disturbances in the continuity of self-experiences are unstable.

Family studies have identified a number of factors that may be important in the development of borderline personality disorder, for example a history of mood disorders and substance misuse in other family members. Recent evidence also suggests that neglect, including supervision neglect, and emotional under-involvement by caregivers are important. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse can all occur in a family context and high rates are reported in people with borderline personality disorder (Johnson et al., 1999a). 

DSM-IV criteria for borderline personality disorder

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships and self-image, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (for example, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). 

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (for example, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (for example, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Source: [Borderline personality disorder: Treatment and management, National Clinical Practice Guideline, National Collaborating Centre for Mental Health commissioned by the National Institute for Health & Clinical Excellence, UK]

The Perfectionistic Self-Presentation Scale

How do you know and assess that someone is a perfectionist? What traits and characteristics do the perfectionists exhibit?

Among other things, I learnt that there is a Perfectionistic self-presentation scale (PSP; Hewitt et al., 1995; Hewett et al., 2003) basically a questionnaire to assess the degree of perfectionistic traits and behaviour on someone. The items comprise three subscales:

• Perfectionistic self-promotion, which evaluates the presentation of one’s self as perfect to others
• Non-display of imperfection, which refers to the desire of one not to appear imperfect to others; and
• Non-disclosure of imperfection, which measures the non-admission of shortcomings to others.

Using a 7-point scale, participants rate their level of agreement with each statement. Higher total scores indicate greater tendencies towards perfectionistic self-presentation.

Photo by Katbili: Cambridge sky, 2010

Nothing is impossible

The sweet pain of having ran a marathon. The stiffness in your legs that reminds you of every kilometre that you passed. The tears that you cried when you crossed the finish line. There is no other feeling to compare it. I ran the Athens Classic Marathon. On my own. There is simply nothing I cannot do!

Photo courtesy of Katbili while running the marathon

You should really know

I am reading  about the Deming cycle and his theories on quality control for a business. His rule is the famous PDCA, which stands for Plan, Do, Check, Act. Very interesting not only for a business, I would say, but for every-day life as well. At the same time while reading this, the radio is playing this popular song by Imany, called "You will never know" that I have seen posted on Facebook by numerous friends of mine. It goes something like

"You will never know,
   I will never show,
   what I feel ,
   what I need from you.."

Many people (me included) have sung out loudly and posted this song feeling that it expresses exactly how we feel for this special someone we have in our hearts and minds. And I was now wondering, why? 

Why never show? Why never know? Why is it not our current practice to show what we need and want from this special someone, why keep it secret if he is really worth it? I think it is about time we adopt the Deming cycle in our personal decisions and act accordingly, instead of never show, never know...!

Men from Mars, women from Mars II

Men and women definitely come from different planets, this is what I get to realize every single day. Relationships take such a big effort to work. Has it always been so hard? I am not judging from my own case only, but my perception from all the friends around me, single, married or in open relationships. People compromising for the sake of being in a relationship, albeit of lower standards, or ending up miserable and alone just for the sake of persisting to their own values and standards. Should I stay or should I go? There is always a cost you have to pay. 

And then, there is the trend of friends with extra benefits, recently introduced in our culture and gaining increasing percentages of supporters! It didn’t use to be like that as far as I remember in my times and I am not even that old! Friends with benefits are supposed to save you the energy of trying to make a gap close and spare you the effort you consume trying to maintain a proper relationship while it gives you the extra benefits (of sleeping over, that is!). I haven’t myself been able to see where the benefit lies in an open relationship, where you promise for no emotional attachments, no commitments and responsibilities towards your partner. What I know is that there will always be blood, ie. someone pays the price in such a negotiation and it is the weakest link! I just hope it is not going to be me...

But to come back to my initial point, it is so damn difficult to communicate with a man! They seem to have their own perception of space, time, friendships and love. In ther list of priorities, you would probably fall in the last bullets, if he were to be truly sincere with you.  First goes the football, formula, or basketball, then the hanging out with mates (without you obviously, because you do not belong to the same circle), then it's the doing errands for mother or sister (because oh, they love the women of their life), then the job and making more money. And then it is their perception of what truth and sincerity is in a relationship. According to them, "small" or "innocent" as they call them, lies are better be told rather than hurt or upset you. And this is totally justifiable to them. But the truth is that they are only worried to spare them the discussion, complaining and nagging from your part. They just don't feel like being told off for their choices and they rather conceal it from you. Period. They seem to have a particular problem of being true to themselves and their partner about what they really want. They rarely ask or explicitly say what they really want from a relationship. Period.

No single man has a different list than previously described, unless they have grown so old they are no longer needed, or cannot physically do most of the mentioned things. At that point, they decide they can settle down and have a family, with the kind request of not being that much bothered with the child up-bringing unless for weekends or days off! And yes, this is where you come in to the scene. Excuse me, but with this kind of attitude, women have decided that they will too adopt the same mentality and invest their time and energy in career, friends, immediate family, materialism. Yes, my career never abandons me and my Prada is always by my side when I need her! Cheers to that and our modern times!

Nobody that I used to know

Now and then I think of when we were together

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

Told myself that you were right for me

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Like resignation to the end

Always the end

So when we found that we could not make sense

Well you said that we would still be friends

But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened

And that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger

And that feels so rough

You didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records

And then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know  

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done

And I don't wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened

And that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger

And that feels so rough

You didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records

And then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know...

Fire starts with F

When I'm with you I could stay there

Close my eyes, feel you're here forever

You and me together, nothing is better

Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew

All the things you say, they were never true, never true

And the games you play, you would always win, always win

         

Only the best is good enough

Feeling so refreshed after coming back from holidays, I am up for planning my life ahead. Looking forward to going back to work, to being productive, to gaining more and earning more. I am moving into a new flat on my own and looking for a car. It is only the Mercedes A class I would like to drive. I deserve it and it deserves me. Cheers to the new era!

Replay and rewind

And then the summer comes. And you go on holidays on the same beach like before. There is a strong smell of memories as soon as you view the same colourful scenery that you ‘ve loved a thousand times before. The crystal clear of blue sea, the orange-purple of the sunset, the million different colours and shapes of pebbles remind you of those times you felt it was paradise. Some familiar faces around.  Feels like it is the same characters but different script of the play. New episodes are being written. Same beach bar, same beach-volley tournament going on. I watch a game or two and it feels like a replay of old times, like a deja-vu. This year I am spending quality girlie time with my best friend. We ‘re eating ice-cream while watching a 2x2 beach-volley match of  “The terrorists” against “Coca-cola” and the chocolate is dripping all over my hands and knees while staring at the referee. He’s a nice piece of evolutionary proof. Fit and strong with a clear advantage of survival and reproduction. The known recipe of supertanned muscular lean body, attractive sunglasses and dark careless hair, the body language of an alpha male straight out of the Armani underwear adverts. We laugh and speculate if the girl sitting across the court, who gave him a towel to dry his sweat earlier, is his girlfriend or his sister.  This summer is going to be different and unlike any other…

Watching Wimbledon final

Djoko is gonna win the Wimby final as it seems and yes, I hope he will take his t-shirt off once more, LOL! He's such a real man! And I am such a girl, almost teenager! Go Djoko!

Per aspera ad astra [Through hardships to the stars]

Only a month after my start of the new job and I received the good news of a pay rise and an upcoming promotion; to reward my hard work, my dedication and enthusiasm, they said. These single traces have always characterized me in all aspects of my life (in rowing, running, studying or working); giving my everything, taking it to the limits of efficiency and quality, improving constantly, competing with my own self even in the absence of external pressure or instruction. 

A rowing coach of mine used to shout at us "Empty the tanks" before the finish line at rowing races; this means give everything you have when you think you have ran out of energy. It used to be my favourite motto and I was thinking it to myself when I was running the last miles of the Paris marathon, too.

Forgive me for saying all these, do not mistake me for a pretentious arrogant person. I am not implying I am perfect, or that it has been easy on me. Being career-oriented and a high-achiever at professional level has been at the expense of other pleasures in life. I have always believed that nothing comes easy, nothing comes for free. It takes a whole lot of sacrifice, persistence and self-motivation to keep going when others have given up, but  this is how you reach to the stars. Another saying goes like "Aim for the sky and you might hit the stars".  I think the stars is where I want to be...!

Ultimately happy and seriously tired...

Why I hate June 13th

You were a girl who wanted to become a doctor. You went to one of the Northeastern European countries to study medicine to make your dreams come true. You used to give me advice and courage whenever I was getting stressed with school exams or university lectures. You believed in me, because we were in the same field of expertise and knew how to appreciate the efforts and sacrifice one has to put in order to achieve their goals. You came back to Greece to settle down, found the love of your life and got married soon after. You were so excited to have started decorating your new place and got a cool job as a doctor in a busy hospital. You were looking forward to living the life you had dreamt.

We received the news exactly eight years ago that you had a tragic accident  when you were going on a day trip with your husband on a motorcycle.  You were almost thirty years old and left your last breath on some national road outside Athens.  He was fine. You never came back from this trip. You are terribly missed and always will be. For all the dreams you made and never came true. For all the love and happiness you missed. For all the joy you didn't give us and could have. Life is unfair and has no logic and no sense of justice sometimes. It seems like yesterday but it is not. It is eight whole years without you and still have no explanation why this had to happen. Time flies, life goes on but you are not here anymore. And nothing will ever be the same.

Tongo ice cream

Tongo used to be my favourite ice-cream when I was a kid; rich banana flavour with a touch of chocolate in the shape of a smiley banana. The taste came instantly in my mouth only at the sight of it when I visited the shop around my summerhouse to buy newspapers. It's been years since I've had one.

A taste, an image, a smell that brings back thousands of happy memories from my childhood.  I eat my ice-cream by the beach, close my eyes and for an instant I feel like I am thirteen again, this young and restless girl who was dreaming and reading.  How much have changed since then and how much I've stayed the same person at the same time...

Not someone like you

There is a guy I have recently met. I thought I liked him a lot. I am trying hard not to fall for him because he reminds me of you. He is one year older than you. He smokes the same cigarettes like you did. He supports the same football team as you. He has exactly the same hobbies like you. Uses same phrases, same jokes, same looks.  And I don't want to like anyone who reminds me of you. 

He is affectionate and when I talk to him he looks me in the eyes with a big smile, just like you used to when you were in love with me. I hate it when he talks about his ideas, his life, his family and his dreams, cause he makes me listen to the things that made me love you. The truth is, if I hadn't met you, I would have fallen in love with him by now. But this time I know that no matter how caring and sensitive and loyal someone might seem in the beginning, he can prove to be the biggest liar of all in the end. Just like you.

He is trying to approach me and I am trying even harder to resist. And just like you were chasing me harder when I was pushing you away, he is now doing the same thing. Same vicious circle. But this time I am not falling for these seemingly nice guys like you were. I 've seen this before. It seems like the prototype was cloned in several copies and they all spread around the globe pretending to be innocent, sensitive and caring but in reality they are deceiving little monsters in a beautiful cover. 

He talks and I think to myself if you have all been programmed to say the same things, to have the same attitude and game in order to get a girl like me. But hey, you were the master of this role-playing, so I had a good teacher to learn from. And this is my game now.

Συγκάτοικοι είμαστε όλοι στην τρέλλα...!

Κάθε μέρα που πάω για δουλειά αποτελεί και μια καινούρια εμπειρία για μένα, καθώς συμβαίνουν διάφορα τραγελαφικά σκηνικά για γέλια ή και για κλάματα. Το λεωφορείο που παίρνω καλύπτει μια διαδρομή από τον Πειραιά ως την Κηφησιά, οπότε τις πρωινές ώρες μετακινούνται με αυτό τεράστιες μάζες ανθρώπων που πάνε απο τη μία άκρη της πόλης στην άλλη. Στοιβαγμένοι όλοι ο ένας δίπλα στον άλλον, ο ένας πάνω στον άλλον, σχεδόν νιώθω οτι πηγαίνουμε σα ζώα για σφαγή. Δε μιλάμε, δεν κουνιόμαστε, δεν παραπονιόμαστε, μόνο υπομονετικά περιμένουμε το τέλος του μαρτυρίου. Καραδοκούμε βέβαια όλοι σα τα κοράκια ποιός επιβάτης θα τύχει να σηκωθεί για να προλάβουμε μέσα απο τη στριμωξιά μας να χωθούμε και να πιάσουμε την θέση που απελευθερώνεται. 

Παππούδες και γιαγιάδες βρίζονται με νέους. Γυναίκες Ελληνίδες βρίζονται με αλλοδαπές. Σήμερα μια Φιλιπινέζα στεκόταν δίπλα μου και κοιτώντας έντονα εναν νεαρό στο απέναντι κάθισμα παραμιλούσε. Την κοιτάω να δώ τι λέει και ποιόν ακριβώς κοιτάει και γυρνάει λέγοντας μου "Αυτό έκει σκουλήκι στο μαλλιά του, να το πούμε? Έκει σκουλήκι". Όντως ο νεαρός είχε ένα μικρό άσπρο σκουλήκι που περπατούσε στα μαλλιά του, μάλλον απο κανένα φυτό ή δέντρο του έπεσε του άμοιρου και του έκανα νόημα οτι κάτι έχει για να το βγάλει.

Αργότερα μια άλλη γυναίκα είχε στριμωχτεί τόσο πολύ μπροστά στην έξοδο του λεωφορείου που καθώς πήγε να ανοίξει η πόρτα σφήνωσε το χέρι της και κόντευε να πολτοποιηθεί. Άρχισε τότε να φωνάζει και να τσιρίζει τόσο τραγικά που από την τρομάρα μου έκλεισα αντανακλαστικά τα αυτιά μου με τα χέρια μου, γιατί από την κραυγή της μου ήρθε η εικόνα του κομμένου χεριού της να εκσφενδονίζεται και τα αίματα να αναβλύζουν πάνω μας. Φυσικά τίποτα από αυτό δεν έγινε, ο οδηγός έκλεισε την πόρτα στο άκουσμά της και αυτή απλά είπε ένα "'Αει στο διάολο" στην πόρτα και συνεχίσαμε το ταξίδι μας. 

Μερικές φορές αισθάνομαι σα να μπαίνω στο σχολικό μου, γιατί πολλούς επιβάτες τους βλέπω κάθε μέρα και τους αναγνωρίζω πλέον και είναι σαν να πηγαίνουμε όλοι μαζί σε μια εκπαιδευτική εκδρομή, οπότε αν κάποιος λείπει παίρνω απουσίες. Τουλάχιστον όταν βρίσκω νωρίς θέση να κάτσω έχω σχεδόν μια ολόκληρη ώρα μπροστά μου μέχρι να φτάσω, οπότε κάθομαι και διαβάζω τα βιβλία μου που τόσο είχα πεθυμήσει. Ειδικά τώρα με τους αγανακτησμένους που κλείνουν τους δρόμους, το ταξίδι της επιστροφής στο σπίτι κρατάει πολύ περισσότερο, οπότε  φτάνω στο σπίτι γεμάτη νεύρα και εμπειρίες...

Moulin Rouge and the egocentric one

- The greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return his is a “Moulin Rouge” quote, have you seen the movie?  

- Yes I know and I loved the movie, but isn’t it true? No matter how much you’ve loved someone, the greatest achievement is to be loved by him in return. 

- Get over it, there is the love from your parents, your siblings, your friends. Who cares about other kinds of love? I love you. Is this not enough for you? 

- No, it is not. I guess. Why can’t I be loved? By this special someone?

-  Wait, he is not, definetely not, the special someone. He is just someone. But surely not that special.

-   I love him.

-    No, you don’t. You re just an egocentric person who wants to be loved just because you’ve decided so. You love the idea of being loved.  And you ‘re just too selfish to give unconditional love even if that means you don’t get anything back.

-   Maybe this is the case. But what about all the dreams that we made together? I loved and believed every single dream we made together.

You know I have to tolerate the torture of passing by his house every day to and from my work. I look at his window. He might not be living there anymore. But I keep looking as if he was there, waiting for me to go and see him.  I dream of all the evenings we won’t share anymore. And he might be in there with someone else. But I keep looking as if he was there to greet me. 

Another day like no other

It is my 32nd birthday today and I finally celebrate  back in my home city with my family and good friends. My previous two birthdays were celebrated in London, the other three before in Cambridge, then in Crete, then in Thessaloniki. I haven't been in Athens since I was almost 18! 

So I seem to have achieved my aims, the ones I set last year at my birthday and put into action a few months ago when I decided to move, leaving everything behind. "I would like to go back to Greece and find a job, to be there close to my family, to feel happy at a personal and emotional level" was my last year's wish.

One year later, I have left UK and live near my loved ones just like I wished. I have managed to make a career change from academia to industry and found a job in consulting. I see my baby nephews grow older every day. I have lunch with my parents over a nice glass of wine. I go at my best friend's wedding dress rehearsals. I study for a another degree. I go hiking in the mountains. I am having driving lessons.  Today loads of my friends from all over the world sent me warm wishes, each one of them special, funny and sincere words of welfare. My mother's face was shining when I woke up in the morning and  stepped into the kitchen for coffee. My dad last night stayed up until it was 0:01 to be the first one to wish me happy birthday. All those little things that spice up your life, that make you feel it is worth living. I am almost happy and will keep looking for more happiness. You see, I am only missing one thing that I did't manage to find since last year. And that is true love.

All about her

Sometimes she falls into this isolating depression and you can see it in her eyes how miserable and helpless she feels. You have never seen her cry, but you know she has been because of her swollen eyes and her trembling voice. And when you ask, she says she has had a cold or flu. She unconsciously resists every kind of affection from others, tries to show strong, independent and determined to the choices she made. And yet, she sits there just staring in front of a stupid reality TV show, to kill time, but you know deep inside she's travelling to the thousand thoughts of loneliness. She always has a smile for you that lights up her eyes, a kind word of support and a hand of help when you urge into the room complaining about your everyday problems and trivial needs. She is there to cook you food when you come back from long nights out, iron your clothes when you 're in a hurry for a date, give you some extra money when you have spent all your salary. She has never fallen in love, never been really happy with the man she chose to live with but yet, has so much love to give unconditionally. She is the strongest person in the world, but she never fought for her own happiness. She deserves every good in the world, but never pursued it for herself. She is your mother. 

Welcoming the spring: Ioannina

Easter break at Ioannina, northwest of Greece.

Η λίμνη Παμβώτιδα των Ιωαννίνων - Lake Pamvotis of Ioannina

The Vikos Gorge (Greek: Φαράγγι του Βίκου) listed as the deepest gorge in the world by the Guinness Book of Records

I am dreaming of London

 

Sometimes I think that I will open my eyes in the morning and I will still be in my flat at Angel, North London. I would take a quick shower, grab a toast and filter coffee and then rush off to work in the red double-decker bus. I would spend a good 8-hours work in the lab, doing experiments, reading papers and occasionally have a break and catch up with my colleagues. At about five o'clock, I would eat my cereal bar, change in my gym gear and put on my trainers. That was the best part of my day. I would plug in my iPod tunes and rush out on the streets, starting from Old street, pass from the Monument and on to the London Bridge. 

The sun would be setting, painting the sky and clouds with magical colours, I would take a deep breath and look at the HMS Belfast, the Tower Bridge and the glass City Hall. The bankers and consultants of the City dressed in their expensive suits would be hurrying on the streets, checking their emails on Blackberry or talking business on the iPhone. Some tourists would be having their photos taken with a view of the Tower in the background. I would just keep running to the beat, enjoying being part of this city, of this scenery, feeling right at the centre of the world. 

I would run all across South Bank in parallel with river Thames while people would be  having a drink or two in the pubs. I would run until the Millennium Bridge being overlooked by St Paul's Cathedral and then make my way back to the gym for a refreshing shower and sauna. 

I would return exhausted back home to Angel on my own in an empty room. My laptop would be waiting on my desk to connect me to the other side of the world and through the screen in my parents' house. I would feel lonely and miserable for a while. The loud sirens from passing ambulances or police cars on the street would disrupt my silence to remind me that I was living in the busiest city of the world...

 

 

 

Acknowledgements to an unknown audience

This is probably my last post for this month. And the last of a series of posts that marked a difficult phase of my life (like all big changes and transitional stages are supposed to be). But here is a piece of good news. 

I have a personal best regarding my blog readership stats. First, I have already posted ten times this month, more than any other month. Moreover, I have had 702 total views of my blog, about 300 of them only in the past two months. This is so exciting! My readership percentages go up.

I thought no one was actually reading my diary. I just found blogging as a way to express my deeper thoughts and feelings either by personal posts, photos or songs. Very rarely my readers leave any comments so I wouldn't really know if anyone is reading. And I never have had any feedback, so I don't really know if anyone likes what they read or not. Some friends' comments do not count as feedback because they are biased and they would always have a good word to say for their dear friend, wouldn't they?

Anyhow, this is just a post to say a big thank you to all who have been reading. It has been a difficult time for me lately and it's been comforting to know that there are people out there who read whatever I have to say or show them. People who have never known me, or people who have known some other sides of mine in real life. Well, whoever and wherever you are, thank you for being here. Keep reading. The spring is already here and has changed my mood.

Love,

K

The photo was taken at Aigion, March 27th 2011 by Katbili. Click on the photo to enlarge.

It is not the mountains we conquer, but ourselves.

That was said by Edmund Hillary, the famous mountaineer/hiker from New Zealand, explorer and philanthropist.

Last weekend, I went hiking to Mainalo mountain, located at the region of Arcadia, in Peloponesse. The hike was organised by the Greek Mountaineering Association of Athens and made for a brilliant time. Coniferous woods covered by snow, light drizzling for most of the hiking up to the shelter and thick fog, blocking out every sun light. 

We started from an altitude of 1,100 metres at the village of Alonistaina and hiked one behind the other in a team of about 40 people up to 1,800 metres. The snow was thick and my feet and hands became so cold that made me wish I had never done that.

Hiking in the snow requires very good preparation in terms of having the right shoes, protective water-proof clothing and accessories. Otherwise, it all becomes a misery. I had not been very well organized cause I thought it would be a stroll in the woods in the sunny Greek fields. I proved to be wrong and paid for it.

But it is not the mountains, it is ourselves. So I didn't give up halfway through the route when we were given the option to climb on the bus. I made the whole route of 7 hours in total, that ended down to the village of Levidi. We all went for dinner to a nice taverna with grilled meat and fresh salad followed by some local rose wine. It was a bless. Best day out, even in the freezing cold, but made me feel so refreshed, so proud, so strong!

I am looking forward to more hiking in the numerous mountains that Greece has to offer!

Photos on a cold day of March 2011 in Arkadia.

Playing with light and speed

On the way back from my weekend trip, I was sitting in the coach by myself, listening to my iPod. It was Sunday night and everyone was taking a nap in the seats around me or talking on the phone with their loved ones. I felt a bit miserable and nostalgic for a while. But then I got a great idea. I took my camera out and decided to play with the exposure and the light reflected from the passing cars on the dark highway. The result was exciting, amazing, more than interesting and kept me entertained until the bus made it back to Athens. Here is a sample of the numerous photos I took. I hope you enjoy them. At least I did!

Peaceful abandonement

I took the weekend off to visit our summerhouse at the north of Peloponnese (Peloponisos, Πελοπόνησος) in a small village called Elaionas, near the city of Aigio (Eghio, Άιγιο). The name Elaionas comes from the word "έλαιο" and was named after the many olive trees that flourish in the area. It was so beautiful and relaxing to be there. The sea was calm and had a silverish blue colour, the mountain tops far ahead in the horizon were snow white and it was so peaceful and quiet all around...I wonder why we don't live here for ever!

I hope you enjoy these photos. Click on the photo if you want to see an enlarged version. More images will follow, as I am planning to visit this place as often as possible!

The Phoenix from the flame

Troy - Sinead O'Connor [lyrics]

 

I'll remember it

And Dublin in a rainstorm

And sitting in the long grass in summer

Keeping warm

I'll remember it every restless night

We were so young then

We thought that everything we could possibly do was right

Then we moved stolen from our very eyes

And I wondered where you went to

Tell me when did the light die

You will rise, You'll return

The phoenix from the flame

You will learn, You will rise, You'll return

Being what you are

There is no other Troy for you to burn

And I never meant to hurt you

I swear I didn't mean those things I said

I never meant to do that to you

Next time I'll keep my hands to myself instead

Oh, does she love you?

What do you want to do?

Does she need you like I do?

Do you love her?

Is she good for you?

Does she hold you like I do?

Do you want me?

Should I leave?

I know you're always telling me

That you love me

Just sometimes I wonder If I should believe

Oh, I love you

God, I love you

I'd kill a dragon for you

I'll die

But I will rise

And I will return

The Phoenix from the flame

I have learned

I will rise

And you'll see me return

Being what I am

There is no other Troy

For me to burn

And you should've left the light on

You should've left the light on

Then I wouldn't have tried

And you'd never have known

And I wouldn't have pulled you tighter

No I wouldn't have pulled you close

I wouldn't have screamed

No I can't let you go

And the door wasn't closed

No I wouldn't have pulled you to me

No I wouldn't have kissed your face

You wouldn't have begged me to hold you

If we hadn't been there in the first place

Ah but I know you wanted me to be there

Every look that you threw told me so

But you should've left the light on

You should've left the light on

And the flames burned away

But you're still spitting fire

Make no difference what you say

You're still a liar

You're still a liar